I used to believe that: to become a loving person, I need to love more. But there is also an underlying belief that hatred and guilt are unwanted and should be rejected. However, life experiences have proved me otherwise. My dearest relationship grows most genuinely not when we say “love” but when we express hatred and guilt. Not towards each other, but in the safe company of each other.
Every emotion is valid. As long as we don’t indulge or attach to it. Even love, if there’s attachment, it turns into pain.
Hatred and guilt have become a taboo topic to talk about. If I tell you how much hatred I am experiencing, I fear that you won’t like me anymore. I live in guilt that I’m a wicked person.
Do you know that emotions are not personal? They are not you and not yours.
What is “me”? There’s no solidity called “me”. Only thoughts, emotions, feelings and bodily sensations and physical process that belong to nobody, run on their own. It’s anatta (non-soul, non-self).
The wrong view that you’re your emotions have prevented us from being open-hearted to these emotions and allowing them to express in constructive ways. They would definitely find other routes to channel, either through self-pity or condemning other people. Or it expresses through bodily ill-nesses like dis-eases, tensions and cancers.
I feel very loved when my partner can only express how hatred he is feeling towards me. And how that hatred feelings are commanding him to do something to release the sufferings. When we talk openly and hold space, we give those feelings and thoughts a loving space to dissolve. Sometimes if the thoughts are too disturbing that you can not handle it yourself, you can gently ask the trusted friend: “I know it’s just a thought. It’s just an emotion. And it’s not reality about you. Could you help me listen to it so I can articulate/express it out in a safe way?” I’m willing to listen. And I have been helped many times in my life being listened to. One day, after expressing severe hatred (consciously) towards me, my dear friend came back and said: “Oh, I have just figured out that my mind seeks comfort in anger. Every-time I blame you, I am feeding it.”
I come to realize we can not try to cultivate love if there’s still hatred and guilt underneath. When you think that: “Oh I should love that person. I should not hate him/her.” That love is not genuine. It’s something the mind is trying to counteract with the real emotions. Real love moves. You’ll sense it and others would sense it right away. We have a great store of inner hatred and guilt building up over the years.
Being in touch with hatred and guilt is the first act of love, towards ourselves.
One of the most popular myths that we keep is that we can turn hatred into love. No! Hatred is hatred and love is love. They are separate mental states and each has its own life cycle. If we don’t allow hatred to live its full cycle and pass away, love can not arise. If hatred is bottled up, there’s no way out for love! Only when I am in touch in full measure with resentment physically, sensationally, consciously, can I forgive and rebuild the connection. Only when I am open to hatred within that I can be open to hatred without.
Maybe it’s a risking experiment. When you are stable and equanimous, invite your loved one to express their resentments, any and every. Give them no objection, no self-defending, no evaluation so they can feel so safe to talk with you.
Love just waits for that moment!
My friends, if you are holding any resentment (towards me), I’m truly sorry. Please forgive me and forgive yourself.
I thank you!
I love you!
